dads

Fleabag: I have a horrible feeling I'm a greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, mannish-looking, morally bankrupt woman who can't even call herself a feminist.

Dad: Well...You get all that from your mother.

//

would it have killed you to say you were proud of me?

even this platform has memories that come with it. you should hear the kids share what they want to be--so many declaring "YouTuber" as their desired career path. that was never me. you should have known me better. i was just a teen who wanted to write. and i did, and some people liked it, but i was mostly unknown, and i was okay with that. i never wanted fame. i wanted to do what i loved. shocking to you that i could want something just for myself! 

were you ever embarrassed? did you ever have a conversation: "what does she like to do?" / "oh, she reads. she likes to write. she has this little 'blog' (i can see your shrug, your wry smile; how childish she! does she not know that her time is wasted there?). she posts stories and reviews of books and such." / "is she any good?" / and your reply would have to be, "i don't know." 

oh, the shame! would your peers have hid a frown? what would they have said to your lack of love, your lack of support for her passion? you can lie, you know. you can lie to your child and she will believe you. well done. i really liked that story. i think what you're doing here is important. i'm proud of you for doing what you love.

or perhaps you read. uninteresting to you, completely irrelevant, the posturing of a young girl who was confident online and shy everywhere else. maybe you hid behind an anonymous number. an email subscription. smiling to yourself when i had a friend redo my design. my daughter, the author. i will be proud of her no matter what. maybe the highest form of compliment crossed your mind: not bad.

i doubt it. you would rather have had a realist, trading the dreams of a kid for the harsh truths of your world.

there are things you can't erase from a kid's mind.