what i didn't say
what i didn't say today Mom, if there were any justice in the world, it would have been me first. the pain of losing time still aches. i have only ever wanted people to want me, to pay attention to me; i have only ever wanted to be special, and that was taken from me. i had hoped that there would be some healing and closure in being first. it's all tangled up inside my head--memories and agonies and teenage me not wanting to change for anyone. i sit at lunch with our family and i sit and i say nothing. i feel i have nothing to offer. Mom, i feel i have nothing to offer because i feel i do not belong in our home. i notice things i've not focused on before. i am 50 pounds heavier than you and my sister--and now my brother's girlfriend--and that bothers me in a way it didn't when i was young. i sit at lunch with our family and i say nothing because everyone else says something and no one offers to meet me where i am. i am afraid that the bond we have is disintegrating...
