erased

heart racing, hands trembling. "i can't believe i'm doing this!" scissor sounds: harsh and grating near my ears. there's a finality to it: the first cut is done and there's no going back.

it's gone. 

- the history of a broken friendship. 

- panic attacks in the middle of the night. 

- feeling hunted in a place that should be safe. 

- what is wrong with me?

removed from my body like a cancerous spot. i scooped it out myself. no numbing, no drugs. simply some time. 

it does take courage to let go.

i know those feelings will be back, of course. nothing stays away forever. but there's something cathartic in cutting away the hair i had to hold back as i threw up my dinner at one in the morning, panic coursing through my veins. i won't ever have to hold that hair back again––maybe new hair, maybe new circumstances, maybe a new bathroom floor. but not ever the same.

i feel freer now, and for now, that's enough.